Readers' opinions? Who cares!
by wooden cards
Summary: Kagura is disturbed to no end when she sees the results of the couples' poll on Gintama... Well, so are the other characters of the poll. Changed to a series of one-shots involving several pairings. Latest Chapter: Hijikata x Tae.
1. Okita Sougo x Kagura

The joy you derived from kotatsus in winter were just about as precious as the joy you got from your first Valentine's Day chocolate. Probably.

Gusts of cold wind rushed through the windows of the Yorozuya. The taste of winter was already in the air. The steadily increasing temperature made it much more comfortable to be doing anything compared to the blistering heat of summer that would only force one into laying on their backs and doing nothing.

"Bwahahahaha!" Obnoxious laughter emitted from the Yorozuya house. Kagura was lying on her side and watching the new comedy that was airing on television. Her legs were tucked comfortably into the new kotatsu that was placed in the middle of the living room. Behind her, Gintoki was reading yet another issue of Jump (the latest one) also with his legs tucked under the warmth. Only Shinpachi was up and about, tending to household chores as usual.

The members of the Yorozuya decided to stay at home on that particular day since Gintoki had to find the time to read jump and they were surprisingly coping well with their funds. With that said, it meant that they had funds for the first time in a long while. They didn't receive any clients either, since everyone was busy preparing for Christmas.

"Yorozuya mail!" An unexpected voice shouted at the door. Gintoki continued to read his jump and Kagura continued to watch her television. Since Shinpachi was busy, nobody spoke up until Gintoki prodded the Yato beneath the kotatsu while still reading his Jump.

"Kagura, go get the door." He drawled.

"Shh, Gin-chan! They're getting to the good part!" Shoving a fistful of chips into her mouth, her eyes were glued onto the screen and she tried to suppress her laughter.

"Tch. Every part's a good part, you know? You can't be biased by saying that only one part is the good part! What about the rest of the parts? Are they not good enough for you?! You're making those parts so sad, Kagura. Don't make them sad, say all of them are good parts because that's what makes them want to be good for you."

"OI, GET YOUR DAMN MAIL YOU LAZY SHITS!" The once patient voice suddenly yelled, making Kagura turn her head in irritation. Her hand was already itching to land its first hit of the day.

"Shut the hell up, mailman! You're a minor character and you don't even have a face! Be glad you even have lines dumbass!"

The shadow at the door jumped, before scratching his hat with his head slightly bowed in apology. "S-Sorry… Um, could you at least take your mail…?"

"Give me a sec." Gintoki waved his hand dismissively.

"Yeah me too." Kagura replied just as casually as her "role model".

This was when Shinpachi came into the room with his hands on his hips and looking incredibly peeved at the two. He had just finished washing the dishes and clothes, hanging them out to dry. There was so much he had to do! The sight of the two other members of the Yorozuya lazing around really, really pissed him off.

He had to retrieve the mail first, before these two got their scolding, he decided. Untying the knot of his apron while walking towards the door, the mailman took off his cap in appreciation when the door opened.

"Here's the Reader Polls from JUMP! Thank you very much!" The mailman hurriedly pushed the mail into the boy's hands and took off. Shinpachi opened the letter slowly and painfully, feeling rather nervous. Gintama ran for such a long time, yet he wasn't ever in the top 5 in the favourite characters list, and he guessed he wouldn't ever be. Reading the results had always been painful for him.

"Gin-san, Kagura-chan, the reader's polls-"

"Pattsuan, we're off-screen now. We're not getting paid or anything to look enthusiastic so you can leave it there on the desk after you're done with it."

Gintoki's casual comment unintentionally stabbed the bespectacled boy's pride a few times. _Of course you'd say that, Gin-san. You're always the first… _Shinpachi laughed dryly. Kagura, on the other hand, finally turned her attention away from the television and jogged after Shinpachi, snatching the letter out of his hands.

"Now that you mention it, uh-huh, they said this time's polls were going to be a little different. We're not looking at the favourite characters anymore, more like-" Stopping in mid-sentence, Shinpachi leaned over the Yato's shoulder to see what was wrong.

The letter fell from her hands and time seemed to freeze completely for Kagura. Picking up the sheet of paper, the boy read it calmly.

"Reader's Poll… **Rabu-rabu edition**?!" Shinpachi yelled as he continued to scrutinize the paper with sudden intensity. This caused Gintoki to look up from his JUMP for once and watch the agitated Pattsuan and stoned Kagura. Shinpachi seemed to understand where Kagura was coming from for once, as the paper proceeded to slip from the now stoned Shinpachi too. Gintoki got up from the couch and walked over, picking the paper.

"Hmm… Ah." Scratching his chin thoughtfully, the perm head nodded as he read through.

* * *

Popular Gintama Couples that make you go "Kyaa-!"

Total Votes = 45985

8th. Kamui x Imai Nobume = 1938 (4.214%)  
7th. Hijikata Toushiro x Shimura Tae = 1950 (4.241%)  
6th. Tama x Yamazaki Sagaru = 2393 (5.204%)  
5th. Okita Sougo x Imai Nobume = 2836 (6.167%)  
4th. Ikumatsu x Katsura Kotaro = 3013 (6.552%)

TOP 3 COUPLES:

3rd. Sakata Gintoki x Shimura Tae = 4606 (10.016%)  
2nd. Sakata Gintoki x Tsukuyo = 12150 (26.422%)

.

.

.

**1st. Okita Sougo x Kagura = 17099 (37.183%)**

Sorachi-sensei's thoughts: Ah, hormonal teens. My editor said it was a good idea to do this but I think it's really weird. Well, I guess that's what people like. At least nobody paired me with a banana. (Actually, I wouldn't mind.) I feel lonely enough already.

* * *

... Well, that was probably the reason why Kagura was still in shock. Gintoki stared at Kagura with dead-fish eyes and said nothing. It was normal for the shounen hero to have a few pairings with the female characters here and there, but Kagura and that Souichiro-kun beat even the total number of votes for his pairings combined.

Still, it wasn't like anyone had missed the instant chemistry that was going on between these two monsters. Gintoki knew that someday, when Kagura grew out of her rabbit pajamas and started to become a woman, she'd had to start to think about complicated matters like these. And when he was talking about matters like these, he meant the way her heart would start to beat rapidly around that special someone and the way she would try her best to kill them in a fit of embarrassment. That was when Papa Gin had to step in and take her by the hand through the whole process. Her bald father was too awkward to talk to her about things like these. The perm head was specially entrusted with this adopted alien daughter, with the important duty of explaining puberty handed to him.

He should've charged the geezer for all the suffering he had to bear, damn it.

But, really, she should've picked a better partner. How was he going to deal with her father now, when he reads this letter with shaking hands and flies back to Earth with his fully loaded parasol? At least, he knew that Souichiro-kun wasn't a bad guy. He was a tax robber, sure, and he had all those sick things stored in his head, but he was someone that the silver headed samurai could trust Kagura to. They'd teamed up a few occasions, and she seemed to regard him as a more or less _friendly_ rival.

Kagura didn't really say anything about that sadistic tax robber, but Gintoki was sure that sometimes, when he passed by to get to the bathroom, he heard some coherent mumblings concerning this guy coming out of the closet. Things like "I'll punch you, bastard" and "go to hell". He was the only person she had such intense feelings for, it seemed. Maybe it wasn't so unexpected that the results didn't come as a surprise for him.

"H-How could this be...?" Both Shinpachi and Gintoki slowly turned to the female Yato. She was unfrozen now, but her face was so animatedly red, it was unsettling. The two other Yorozuya members who had seen their Kagura for so long, were going to speak up in fear of what she would do.

"K-Kagura-chan..."

"It's good that you're so p-popular, Kagura..." _Don't lose your shit, Kagura. I'm going to have to deal with your Baldie of a father and I don't want to tell him that you're jailed or anything. _Gintoki thought, beads of perspiration running down his face.

However, Kagura backed away and jumped on Sadaharu. The big, white dog stirred from his nap and stood up. Sadaharu, instinctively knowing what to do from the many times he went on strolls with his master, started to bound out of the house.

Clinging tightly onto her pet, Kagura shut her eyes tightly as if to block out the news she had just receieved, and left the incredulous Shinpachi and Gintoki staring at the newly shaped wall that had the outline of their humongous pet.

* * *

Cold air gushed by a lone police officer who was strolling in the park.

Sougo was skiving off duty yet again; it was like skiving off had became one of his favourite pastimes. Though, it wasn't a pastime he enjoyed as much as ruining Hijikata's life. That one was definitely irreplaceable on his list.

Hands tucked snugly in his pockets, he walked towards his regular spot - the park bench. Swiping off the accumulated snow on the bench, Sougo fished out his eye mask and laid back onto the cool surface of the bench, slipping on his mask as soon as he was in a comfortable position. The coolness of the surroundings could put him to sleep peacefully. Since worried mothers were hesitant to let their children play outside, the park was quieter than usual and deserted. Not even China was here, which made it the ideal place.

Ah, he could get used to this. The police officer was comforted by the softness of the snow that fell into his hair, as if he was stroked rhythmically by the constant falling of the flakes. Its whiteness shimmered and it started to melt, peeking through the sandy brown of his hair.

The serene surroundings felt even more uncomfortable to Kagura as she slowed Sadaharu down, stopping just beside a tree rooted a few metres away from her target. Sougo was already asleep on the bench with his mask and hands resting on his stomach. The Yato, feeling the need to hide, tilted her head from behind the tree and watched him sleep. It was a creepy thing to do, but hey, there wasn't anyone around. At least she wouldn't be judged by the stupid kids who always came here to play, and she wouldn't be exposed either.

Besides, Kagura wasn't the best when it came to planning. She decided to come to the park on a whim; to confront the Sadist on a whim - now that she was here, she wasn't sure of what to say when she met him. Questions raced past her mind as she watched him suspiciously. Had he read the polls? Guessing from the way he was so peacefully sleeping, she thought not. But, would he be disgusted? What would he say?

Imagining the Sadist throwing a comment like "Ew, China. Gross. I think our readers are blind." made her fist clench involuntarily and her anger to bubble up from within her. He had no right to be disgusted! She was the one who was at the short end of the stick for all that it was worth. Sticking a hand in a pocket, the Yato felt the result sheets with her fingertips, its crumpled surface feeling rather bumpy.

Why was she even here in the first place? The girl felt the need to clarify with him about the matters concerning the readers' polls - "_i-it's not like I like you or anything, yup!_" maybe deny him with a _tsundere_ sentence. It wasn't like she was tsundere...!

Thinking so hard about it irked the Yato. While she was here, worrying about their odd relationship, that bastard was just lying a few metres away, sleeping like the lazy tax robber he was! Why did she have to suffer alone? Kagura marched up to Sougo and glared down at the sleeping figure. She could pummel him to death, starting from his pretty face (yuck, why did she even think of that?!) or she could call Sadaharu to bite his head off.

Flames of revenge were dancing in her blue eyes. It wasn't exactly Sadist's fault, but she had the urge to punch him anyway.

Although, it wouldn't be fair if he were to die in her hands when he was unguarded and sleeping. Kagura squatted down beside him, and noticed the small flakes that had become a solid-liquid state in his hair. The falling snowflakes were going to turn his hair white in no time. The thought of it made the Yato giggle. She couldn't wait to see him with white hair. An old Sadist who would be too old to even fight her. Suddenly, the thought of that made her feel a blow to her chest. Strange.

Taking the parasol and opening it up, Kagura leaned in unconsciously to shield the both of them from the snowflakes above them. She'd have to wake him up first before she could talk to him and she had many ways to wake him up. At the moment, Kagura couldn't bring herself to do it. The Sadist looked way too peaceful, with his chest rising up and down. The readers' poll snaked itself into her mind as she watched him, causing her face to burn up again.

"S-stupid Sadist...!" The flustered Yato exclaimed in a hushed whisper, standing up abruptly. Perhaps today wasn't a good day. After all, she had just only received the polls and she was at a loss of what to do, so she could go home first for the day and confront him tomorrow. Backing away, she was about to walk back to the obedient Sadaharu who was sitting by the tree when she felt a hand grab her wrist and pull her back.

"What the?"

"What exactly did I do to offend you, China?" Kagura heard the Sadist's voice behind her, and her face threatened to go even redder than it was already. The firm grip was definitely Sougo's and as he whirled her around, her azure orbs clashed with his red ones.

"Nothing!" Kagura pulled her wrist away and tried to ignore the warmth of his hand on her wrist from just a minute ago. Looking back defiantly at his poker face, she folded her arms and looked away. The police officer gave an exasperated sigh and massaged his temples. Not again. He always knew why his slaves were angry at him in the past, but with Kagura it never seemed to make sense.

"So then, what do you want? And you're blushing."

"No I'm not, you dumbass!" The Yato answered defensively. "I..." Closing her umbrella, the Yato stuck a hand in her pocket and took out the sheet, holding it out for the Sadist.

"Have you seen the latest polls for the readers?" Without saying anything, he took the piece of paper from her and opened it up, reading it. Kagura turned away. He probably hadn't seen it yet, she thought. Her face was burning and it didn't seem to go down. Scooping up a handful of snow from the ground, she pressed the cold solid against her cheeks, trying to cool herself down. It was stupid enough to be stuttering in front of the Sadist, she definitely didn't want him to think she was blushing because of _him_.

"Eh~" Sougo hummed out as he continued to innocently look at the final results. The first pairing that garnered a total of 37% of the votes sure was a surprise. Did they really seem like a couple? It was unfathomable what he was thinking from his deadpan expression. Finally, he looked up from the paper to see the girl slathering snow all over her face. The sight of it was silly and it nearly made him smile. Nearly.

Nevertheless, it caused him to deadpan. "People could have peed in the snow and you're putting it all over your face? You're dirty, China." His comment earned him a faceful of snowball. The snow slid down his face and then the Yato was in his sight again, doubling over with laughter.

This set Sougo off and a part of him started to wonder how Kagura's face would look like entirely caked in snow. Not like he hadn't seen it from the way she was slathering it all over her face previously.

After she stopped laughing, Kagura watched Sougo, who was motionless and looking at her. She couldn't decide on a snark comment since he hadn't reacted from the moment he finished reading the polls, and she didn't know what to do from the way his eyes were boring into hers. Yet, she was impatient. She wanted to know what he thought of the poll and she felt her throat go dry as she quietly asked. "So?"

Watching him expectantly, her fingers uncurled and curled around her umbrella impatiently. Since he didn't say anything, she decided to ask him the question that had been lingering on her mind since the beginning.

"Hey, Sadist... Would you say 'yes' if we were in a relationship?"

After saying that, the Yato started biting the inside of her cheek. It sounded exactly like she was asking him out! (which she was not doing) She had been curious since the readers showed such results. She didn't want him to reject her - she knew that it'd definitely sting and hurt even though she didn't care about his opinions (or at least, she tried not to). How was she going to get herself out of the situation now?

"I wouldn't mind."

"—I KNOW RIGHT, I mean, we practically hate each others' guts and—"

Silence.

"... What did you say?"

"You might be at risk of being a retard, China. I said—"

"I KNOW WHAT YOU SAID! B-But I thought you hated me and..."

Sougo walked towards. Kagura jumped as she watched him, their eyes never leaving each other. Before she knew it, he was towering over her, his eyes watching her, as if he was gauging her reaction. A serious glint was there now, in his eyes. _He didn't have that kind of look in his eyes, just now, huh..._ She thought, panicking.

"I never said that."

"But we spend all the time fighting and cursing each other and you're always such a jerk—"

"Look, if you're going to spend all day talking about this, I don't want to." Sougo folded his arms this time, a petulant look on his face. "A reader's poll doesn't define us, China. You're getting really riled up about this."

Her scared expression hurt him a little. What was wrong with them dating? The officer was shocked when he actually realized that he was able to accept something like that straight away like it was natural and he thought she'd share the same sentiments. But it didn't look like she did. She looked terrified of him, and Sougo's hurt turned into anger instead. He was on the verge of saying something to get her angry again, to get some sort of reaction out of her.

To be honest, he was getting tired of arguing and fighting with her all the time. Something in him told him to change that a long time ago, but he wouldn't budge. This time, though, he was considering to.

"Y-Yeah, it doesn't." She relented and let out a breath she didn't realize she was holding. She hated to admit it, but he was right. Why was she so riled up for? She had no reason to be, especially since he didn't look like he minded it all this while. While she was thinking about how their relationship would change the moment both of them had professed their love to each other like in the dramas, he'd been sleeping away peacefully. He didn't care about this like she did. It just didn't matter as much to him.

Somehow, when she arrived at that conclusion, the spontaneous gust of wind hit her harder than it should have.

"These polls are stupid, uh-huh. I shouldn't have thought so much about it. Yeah." Kagura nodded and stepped back. Her feet were ready for flight, to run away from the Sadist and away from all that was happening. She had made a complete fool out of herself, but her pride prevented her from giving in. Since he didn't care, she didn't want to show that she did, either.

Sougo, noticing her fallen expression, tore the result slip into half. When she was looking at the ground, her expression so lost, he threw the torn pieces away and stepped towards her again. Without him realizing it, he grabbed her shoulders and watched as her head turned to him, startled.

Kagura's eyes were always full of emotions, he noted. It was like a mirror. Precisely, those big eyes gave him a good look at himself for once and he leaned in. Their lips met and they stayed like that for some time, both of the sounds of their accelerated hearts pounding in their ears. Sougo was the first to break away from the kiss and when he met her eyes again, he spoke.

"Like I said, these polls don't define us. I'm going to define us, myself. I've been waiting for this, China. You're always letting your emotions get the better of you and you get so easily manipulated by simple things, but that's what I like about you. The readers are stupid as hell, but I'm probably just as stupid to be so in love with you."

"If you love me so much, then shut up and kiss me, dumbass." Kagura grinned at him and pulled his collar towards her level, colliding his lips with hers again.

Snowflakes fell onto the crumpled and torn pieces of results sheet that laid on the snow-covered ground. Slowly, its accumulating whiteness merged together with its snowy landscape. The snowflakes covered the black font completely, from the last place to the 1st place printed finely on its paper, erasing the black ink and sinking it further into the snow.

* * *

AN: Just to clarify, I got the pairing results from a forum on MangaFox and I actually derived the total votes from the original one and made changes to ensure that OkiKagu's results was the biggest. That's why I apologize if you didn't spot your other otps on the results. Also, I decided to throw in Sorachi-sensei's notes as an omake since I realized he leaves a note in the character polls too.

I hope you enjoyed it!

By the way, I'm considering on doing the different perspectives of the other pairings mentioned in the results of the poll. Let me know if you think I should! I'll go for it if you guys want me to.


	2. Kamui x Imai Nobume

Back on the ships, something was very wrong.

Blood painted the fawn walls of the ship, with the smell of iron prominent in the air. In the midst of the pandemonium, bodies lay limp on the floor. It was indistinguishable as to they were friend or foe – blood had decorated them all the same.

Eerily luminous yellow lighted the path overhead for a group of members clad in white. They were holding their swords in front of them as they ran, prepared to strike any incoming enemies. One of them, seeing as there were no enemies in their sight so far, looked over his shoulder to talk to the men running alongside him.

"There is going to be a crossroad ahead, stay alert for…" Trailing off, he stopped running and fell to the ground, silent. The alarmed members looked up into the eyes of the pirates who had flanked them.

"Looks like we'll have to get rid of some more pests, eh?" One of the pirates exclaimed. Their beady eyes watched on as they steadied gargantuan weapons on their shoulders, the smiles on their faces full of menace.

Readying their swords, the Mimawarigumi members charged out to engage in yet another long battle with the Harusame Space Pirates. It was only when one group fell that they would continue ahead.

* * *

With her pure white greatcoat splaying out behind her, Nobume landed on the ground gracefully. Behind her, several enemies fell at once and she took off again.

Just like all her other missions, she had been ahead of the rest alone.

The Mimawarigumi had been biding their time – waiting to infiltrate a small scale Harusame space ship when they received news of the new Admiral dropping in to check up on the goods. That way, they could spend lesser time fighting the crew on the ship and attack while they had the pirates had their guard down.

Nobume, the jem of the Miwarigumi was sent on this mission solely to eliminate the admiral once and for all. Even if it was a dangerous mission, they knew she wouldn't fall so easily. Her status in the force and elite skills were more than enough to prove her capabilities.

The hallway led to a vertical path with _shoji_ doors in the middle. This was the place where the admiral would be resting at, according to the map. Not wasting a single second, Nobume tore down the paper doors mercilessly with her sheathed _katana_ and stepped into the expanse of the room. Though the rest of the ship had been shabby, this room had been decorated gaudily. Expensive vases of flowers sat in the corners, with a long wooden table placed in the middle of the tatami mats.

Sensing that there was no one in the vicinity, she walked up to the table. There was a white envelope that had been ripped open on the table, with a piece of paper resting beside it. The words, "**Gintama Readers' Poll: Rabu-Rabu Edition!**" were in ostentatious print on the paper.

She continued to peruse the contents of its poll impassively…

* * *

Popular Gintama Couples that make you go "Kyaa-!"

Total Votes = 45985

**8th. Kamui x Imai Nobume = 1938 (4.214%)  
**7th. Hijikata Toushiro x Shimura Tae = 1950 (4.241%)  
6th. Tama—

* * *

—She cut the piece of paper into two. Crimson hues flashed dangerously on her carefully masked poker face. If Sasaki was around, he'd be able to tell that she was in that mode once again, from the way emotions were completely devoid from her eyes.

She was in the mode where she would be unstoppable and full of ferocity. He dubbed it the "Nobume-chan is so scary uwaaah ( o Д o) text me when you need someone to talk to _ehe_ (*^▽^*)" mood in one of his messages sent after dinner to her. None of the Mimawarigumi members knew why they found her cell phone dangling on top of Sasaki's bedroom door with a _katana_ driven through its screen the following morning.

Usually, when she was thirsting for battle or craving her donuts, this mode of hers would activate and then it wouldn't stop for hours. On the rare occurrence that she was actually pissed, this mood overtook her usual stoic self instantly and she'd never be able to stop until she killed the person who angered her.

This was one of the rare occurrences.

As the bloodthirsty demon sheathed her sword, she felt a presence behind her and on instinct, cart wheeled over the table. At the same time, the table was smashed by an abrupt impact and she could see splinters flying about in slow motion.

There was no time to even process who the hell this Kamui person was (she could only pray it was another name for the French Cruller) while she was attacked. Straightening from behind the debris, a figure came into view.

A young man stood in front of her, wearing traditional Chinese clothes. His braided vermillion hair swished about behind him as he walked towards her. Looking at his expression, she brought her sheathed _katana_ closer to her. He had an unsettling smile plastered on his face and there was tension in the air, unfurling and waiting.

She knew from his distinct clothes and Chinese descent that he was the Admiral, as the description had said. However, he wasn't her enemy at the moment - her enemy was this Kamui person who she had to rid of. She had seen plenty of couples sharing food in parks with disgusting puckering motions at each other and the thought of sharing her Pon de Rings with another person gave her goose bumps. This extra mouth had to be eliminated immediately.

"I have no use for you. Tell me who this 'Kamui' is on the polls." She ordered, watching him warily in case he struck again.

The young man started to chuckle almost like he meant it. Judging by the way she was so affected by the pairing, she was probably this Nobume person he was paired with. She came as a surprise, with her imperceptible expression and poise. He didn't expect her to be a beauty, either. Despite everything, however, he was interested in only one thing: her strength.

He had been here in the morning and it was terribly boring. His subordinates quickly fled whenever he walked by the halls and nobody was willing to fight him. The mail that came that morning didn't place him in a good mood either, he was full of pent-up frustrations by the time he had finished reading it. Not that he cared about the girl that he was being paired with; it was the name on the number one pairing that irked him. Kagura, a name that he hadn't seen for so long yet never forgotten, together with another name that was Sushi or something.

If it wasn't for the annoying intruder alerts going off the ships, he would have packed up right away and pay a visit to this Sushi person and _inadvertently _kill him. He sure didn't appreciate their bad sense of timing, much less walking in to the sight of one of them holding his paper.

The sight of her made him lose control momentarily – he leapt forward and crushed the table with clenched fists. Now, he was thankful to have done that, since he was more intrigued by her. He wanted to see what other capabilities she had other than her fast reflexes. He wouldn't mind in the least to test them out and see for himself how strong she was. After all, he was dying to fight.

"You are this 'Nobume'-san, aren't you? Since you are going to die, I might as well tell you – the person you're looking for is right here." He cheerfully motioned to himself.

In response, she pushed up the hilt of the sword with her thumb and brought it in front of her.

"You're the Admiral of the Harusame Space Pirates and I'm Imai Nobume from Mimawarigumi. We're from entirely different worlds and we couldn't possibly be together."

"You need not be bothered by the polls – I really couldn't care less about _us_." His apathetic smile mirrored her merciless crimson orbs. He held out his arms, his feet standing shoulder width apart sideways.

"Although, I _am_ interested in you. Impress me."

"I'm not interested in you. Leave my bombolinis alone."

"Bombolinis? They're a kind of donuts aren't they?" He opened his eyes to reveal big cerulean ones, brightening at the mention of food. "The ones back on Earth were really good. I'd kill for one." Closing his eyes to smile again, he added. "Literally."

"You can't have them."

"I can. I'll have them over your dead body later."

Dried blood peeked through her gilded katana as she slowly removed the scabbard with her mouth. Her eyes never left him, like a predator on its prey. Adrenaline froze in his veins and he brought a foot back, posing in a battle stance. He wondered how her coat stayed so pristine white while the swords of hers were soaked in blood.

She was like a killer who left nothing but death in its macabre wake.

The trip back to Earth could be improvised. At the moment, he was eager to test his new toy out. The stronger she was, the more enjoyable this would be. She'd provide him with at least some entertainment, he could tell.

"I wonder if I can stain your swords with your own blood."

She charged towards him at an incredible speed, flinging her scabbard to one side and riposted monotonously, "If you give me your OOO, I'll consider."

Kamui's smile widened.

* * *

AN: I decided to write the chapters according the the pairings, from the 8th to the 2nd. Sorry guys, I read the reviews and I know a lot of you asked for pairings but I thought it would be more organized this way.

By the way, thank you so much for the reviews! I had a lot of fun writing Kamui and Nobume this time so I hope you had fun reading it as well! They are a strange pairing but I think I grew fond of them after writing this out. Anyway, do look out for the next one that's coming out soon. Let me know if you enjoyed it!


	3. Hijikata x Tae

It was no wonder why Kabuki-cho, the heart of Edo, was so rowdy at night. For the salary men who wanted to loosen up their ties after work; the middle-aged bums who wanted to spend some time with beautiful young women; even for the country's patriotic policemen who wanted to relax after a long day of patrol in the city. The red-light district provided them plenty of time for leisure after a day at work and allowed them to flirt all they wanted without their wives in mind. In short, it was a paradise for all the men.

Although, it wasn't the case for a mayonnaise-centric vice-commander.

Hijikata Toushiro was just looking forward to a good day's rest back at the Shinsengumi Headquarters, after his division had apprehended a group of small-scale robbers that morning. The long day at work tired him out by the end of it and he wanted nothing more but to spend the rest of his evening watching the drama on television and smoking a few more cigarettes before he went out for the late night patrol. He was appointed duty for Thursday nights, and he wasn't expecting this time to be any different.

In fact, his schedule went on smoothly right until the opening credits for his drama started up. It was then when the chief commander and man he looked up to, Isao Kondo, burst through his room like there was some sort of major crisis going on; like his drama was the least priority at the moment since Earth was going to end anytime soon from the horrified look he had on his face and the way he crawled towards him like a demon from hell.

"T-Toshi!" the older man-like gorilla called out his name for help.

He forgot to insert a half an hour standby when Kondo had burst through his room and went on like there was trouble. Which, most of the time, were minor problems that revolved around his strained relationship with the Shinsengumi toilets. Hijikata withdrew the cigarette from his mouth and calmly asked, "What's wrong?"

Now that the chief commander was closer, he could see tears in his eyes — a slightly less common symptom. This made the vice-captain a tad more worried than usual.

"Look at t-this!"

At the mention of 'this', the defeated Kondo lifted up his arm weakly. In his grip was a piece of white paper. The tears in his eyes started to run down his face and he made the face he gave whenever he was constipated (Hijikata cursed himself to had lived together with the man long enough to know that face of his). It was usually a look he reserved for Otae, whom broke his heart on a regular basis. To think that a piece of paper could give him such an expression, Hijikata thought it definitely got something to do with her.

And as he opened up the sheet of paper, he was right.

* * *

Popular Gintama Couples that make you go "Kyaa-!"

Total Votes = 45985

8th. Kamui x Imai Nobume = 1938 (4.214%)  
**7th. Hijikata Toushiro x Shimura Tae = 1950 (4.241%)**  
6th. Tama x Yamazaki Sagaru = 2393 (5.204%)  
5th. Okita Sougo x Imai Nobume = 2836 (6.167%)  
4th. Ikumatsu x Katsura Kotaro = 3013 (6.552%)

TOP 3 COUPLES:

3rd. Sakata Gintoki x Shimura Tae = 4606 (10.016%)  
2nd. Sakata Gintoki x Tsukuyo = 12150 (26.422%)  
1st. Okita Sougo x Kagura = 17099 (37.183%)

Sorachi-sensei's thoughts: Ah, hormonal teens. My editor said it was a good idea to do this but I think it's really weird. Well, I guess that's what people like. At least nobody paired me with a banana. (Actually, I wouldn't mind.) I feel lonely enough already.

* * *

The unlit cigarette fell out of his gaping mouth and landed on the coffee table.

"Toshi!" His chief commander continued to despair, now clinging onto Hijikata's jacket and grossly sobbing all over it. "I THOUGHT WE WERE BROTHERS!"

It felt like the Mayora was one step closer on his way to his mayonnaise-covered heaven.

This was a bad joke, wasn't it? Why wasn't he shipped with mayonnaise instead?! Or, a certain brunette—

No, shame on him for thinking of her that way! He would be lying if he said he didn't want to be on the list with another person, so he kept his mouth shut. Hijikata's expression darkened and his trembling hands reached out to pry off Kondo's grip on his collar.

"Kondo-san… I assure you there's nothing going on between us."

"No, NO, TOSHI- I AGREE!" Kondo now laid on the floor, burying his face in his hands and screamed. "OTAE-SAN IS A REAL BEAUTY AND SHE HAS A HEART OF A PURE MAIDEN, SO I UNDERSTAND WHERE YOU'RE COMING FROM, BUT IT'S REALLY UNFAIR FOR ME TO BE FIGHTING ON TWO FRONTS, WHAT'S MORE THAT YOROZUYA BASTARD'S JUST GETTING ALL THE LADIES—"

"Calm down."

It was an understatement to say that Hijikata was a terrible consoler, especially when Kondo was crying and leaving his snot all over the place. The vice-captain could only wait until the gorilla went back to normal before rationalizing with him. Kondo took about a maximum of five minutes to stop crying, but this time he didn't stop. Thank god Sougo was outside right now, doing whatever he was doing. In this situation, he didn't need someone trying to kill him while he had his hands full with the chief. Hijikata wasn't sure what to think about all of this, but he took up the role of the sane and calm one in this situation. Kondo could never take that role no matter how hard he tried, most of the time.

"So, what do you want me to do, Kondo-san?"

Kondo finally looked up from his hands. His face was all scrunched up, eyes shimmering like a typical heroine in shoujo manga. He started to play with his sticky fingers shyly, averting his gaze to the floor with a somewhat blush on his face.

"Um, if it's not too big of a hassle…"

His voice became a pitch higher too, like a school girl in the midst of her confession.

Hijikata felt like he needed to light up a few more sticks tonight.

* * *

And so he found himself in the midst of drunk old men and charming hostesses, sitting right next to the lady herself. There was only the two of them seated on the long 'U'-shaped lounge that was saved for the customers of Snack Smile.

Otae gave her surprise guest a habitual smile. She certainly hadn't expected a non-gorilla customer from the Shinsengumi. The smile that she gave was supposed to be a thankful one, yet Hijikata felt a shiver run down his spine. Memories of being beaten by this woman rose from the depths of his mind. When they had been fighting during the character polls arc, she threw him off like he was nothing. He could only hope that he wouldn't suffer the same fate again for another poll. Polls seemed to intertwine their paths together. She sure left him some pretty deep impressions physically and mentally with that throw, which felt like she was just taking out trash.

But the vice-captain could not afford to be fearful of this woman/beast. He was on a sole mission to stop her from misunderstanding and like always, he needed to be the rational one again. Like he promised Kondo, they'd clarify their doubts so that the gorilla would not be suspicious about the both of them. That was what Kondo said anyway, while he clung onto the vice-captain's leg and cried.

"Oh my, what brings you here, Hijikata-san? I hope it's not another proposal again," the hostess said, or warned.

"No, no. I'm not here about any proposal."

"Then, H-Hijikata-san… _You_ came here to visit me?" Otae cupped a cheek and shook her head, as if she was embarrassed about the whole idea of him coming to see her — it was as if they were having a rendezvous; like there was something clandestine to their meeting—

The floor beneath them creaked and the vice-commander's eyes narrowed suspiciously. That couldn't be Kondo… could it?

"_I trust you, Toshi!_"

That was what the gorilla-like man said before his vice-captain left for Snack Smile. Hijikata could only hope that what Kondo had promised was true. Frankly, he was terrible with women and it was better if lesser people knew about this. The trust he had in Kondo held him back from stomping the floor boards, no matter how tempted he was. He gave a resigned sigh and turned back to Otae. The hostess noticed this, but said nothing.

"No," Hijikata began and quickly changed his mind. "Yes. No_._ _Yes_."

He groaned internally. 'I should commit seppuku, damn it.'

Committing seppuku seemed so much easier than talking to the woman at the moment. Things didn't seem as easier as they felt before. For some reasons that the vice-captain couldn't comprehend, he felt warmth creeping up his neck as he struggled to get the words out. He could deal with the most dangerous criminals, but he was having problems talking to a woman. He only understood how hard it was to talk to a person about the relationship some fans threw you both in, he thought. It was strange how this man, who had no problems interrogating criminals, had the biggest problems talking to a person from the opposite gender.

"No lady likes their man to be so fickle, Hijikata-san," Otae chided, or threatened. "Maybe you want some Dom Peri to calm down?"

"Yes, yes I came here to visit you. No, please."

"Please? There's no need to hold back. We've been co-characters in this show, after all!"

"No, _thank you very much_. Don't break the fourth wall!"

'And what co-characters? Shouldn't it be co-workers?' The straight man in Hijikata wanted to shout out. But he had enough on his plate as it already was and this woman scared him a little, as much as he hated to admit.

"I have something I need to talk to you about, is all." Taking out a cigarette from his jacket pocket, he was about to light it up when it was snatched out of his hands promptly. The captain stared as Otae, still equipped with her award-winning smile, snapped the cigarette into half by clenching her hand into a fist.

"You can't smoke here, Hijikata-san." Dropping the cigarette stick that was snapped into two on the table, she jerked a thumb backwards towards a no-smoking sign. She didn't seem like a hostess at all. No, no, no. Who was this woman, was she really a hostess? How did she even manage to wrap his chief commander around her little finger? The straight man questions and comebacks that he kept pent-up inside, along with the booze and noisy laughter in the cabaret club, was starting to addle his brain. It didn't help that the ending credits to his drama was rolling at around now either, according to his body clock.

"What do you need to talk about?"

"I… uh… have you read the newest polls yet?" Two bottles of Dom Peri were placed on the table, and he was about to say that he didn't order them, but seeing Otae's smile made him shut up again.

"No, I've been here for the whole day, unfortunately. Why? Has that gorilla gotten above me again?" She cracked her knuckles, and he instantly shook his head.

"It's about the polls. They're based on..." Red crept up from his necks to his cheeks and the vice-captain had to look away to hide his embarrassment. "..They're based on character couples."

There was a pregnant pause, before the hostess spoke up. "…And?"

'_And? AND?! Was this woman for real?!_'

Unable to bear with all the noise and the smell and how damn dense she was, the vice-captain appeared to have lost his marbles as he stood up furiously and unleashed the straight man in him.

That's right, his confused and short fuse told him, _'Come on, you know you want to correct things__ —'_

"We're on that list! Damn it, how thick can you be? Kondo told me to tell you that there's nothing between us so he can continue to live happily in his own oblivion. There's nothing going on between us – there's no way in hell I'd get together with you — that's all I came here to tell you, okay?! And I didn't order Dom Peri, why am I, someone who's supposed to be the tax robber, being robbed here with Dom Peri?! Don't take my job, damn it!"

Realizing only halfway when he was huffing from his agitation, the vice-captain felt his neck grow even warmer from the stunned customers and hostesses who gaped at him, paused in the middle of their merrymaking. Embarrassment washed over him and told him to sit the hell down. Hijikata could only keep himself in check by pinching the bridge of his nose with indignation.

"You know," she finally spoke up after uncomfortable silence, "that isn't a very nice thing to say of a lady. Are you trying to say that I'm not good enough of a partner for you?" This time, there wasn't any threat or undertoned malice in her voice, although she sounded livelier than usual.

Oh, shit. Hijikata turned to look at Otae, who seemed like she was trying her best not to cry. Too late. The woman was crying.

_Oh shit oh shit oh shit oh shit_—

Guilt ate the vice-captain and chewed away at his soft side.

"It's alright though, I think I teased you a fair bit as well." The hostess held up a sleeve to wipe away her tears but was stopped by a handkerchief the vice-captain handed out to her. His eyes were still looking at anywhere else but her.

"Take it, i-it was my fault. I got out of hand. I knew better than to lose control." The vice-captain lowered his head, swallowing his pride as he apologized. His eyes chose to look at anywhere but the hostess, settling on the bottles sitting by their table.

"You can order as many bottles of Dom Peri as you want, as a form of apology." His words tumbled out in a flustered rush. It really was true that a man's weakness were women's tears. He hadn't seen any woman crying over him before (even if he had he was painfully oblivious to it) and it was hard knowing what to do.

"R-Really?"

"Yeah, now stop crying."

"Okay!" Switching moods instantly, the hostess cheerfully gestured to a waiter nearby. "Excuse me!" She held out three fingers. Hijikata was tempted to question her sudden shift in moods (were women always like that?) but he wasn't taking chances on making her cry again.

"Three bottles? You can order more if you want." He said, guilt chewing away at his soft side. Otae turned to the vice-captain and grinned.

"That means thirty bottles, Hijikata-san."

* * *

As Hijikata stumbled out of Snack Smiles upon closing time, a lady appeared beside him, all smiles. It was none other than Otae, whom he offered to walk home since it was already time for night patrol. Kondo was nowhere in sight throughout the hours they conversed (he got along with her surprisingly well) like he promised, and that made things a lot easier for the vice-captain.

Out in the cold streets of Edo, the smell of liquor wasn't as strong and it was relatively quiet. The only smell of booze he smelled came from his own uniform and as for Otae, it was surprising to find an aroma tagging alongside him. The floral scent was sweet and comforting, and it cleared his head much better, though he still needed to smoke.

"What's that smell?" It took him a moment to register where it came from.

"You like it? It's peony-scented," her lilting voice answered. Hijikata only gave a small nod. A small one that was hardly noticeable. "It's fine."

There was a soft chuckle next to him.

"Thank you for the thirty bottles of Dom Peri to my friends, Hijikata-san."

"I couldn't have drunk since it's my night shift anyway." Again, the hostess noticed that the embarrassed vice-captain was looking at anywhere else but her. He wasn't looking directly at her, but he could see her never faltering smile out of the corner of his eye.

"Actually, there's something else you can do for me, if it's not too much trouble."

The two came to a stop in the middle of the streets that were covered in snow. They were both standing under the street light, and there was a gale wind that blew. Otae stood directly in front of him, looking up at him. The smell of peonies struck him due to the strong wind. It was a kind of situation that reminded Hijikata of romance dramas that he used to chase. Couples loved to stand under street lights and kiss.

The thought of it was absurd, but now as she opened her eyes and watched him with sincere brown ones, his blue eyes slightly widened in response.

"What is it?" It came out more breathless and husky than he intended it to be. He blames the weather. Slight pink tinged her cheeks and Otae watched the ground, fluttering her eyelashes before looking up at him.

"You could…"

A fist came in contact with his jaw, and he felt himself flying through the air once again. Hijikata knew this feeling of soaring through the air. There was only one person who had such brute strength to send him flying with their fists.

"… REFLECT ON YOURSELF FOR SHOUTING AT A LADY, ASSHOLE!"

Hijikata felt his spine ache as he crashed into a lamp post opposite, landing on the ground. The contact with the snow made him shiver, despite the thickness of his uniform. He could feel warmth though, such as warmth from something that trickled down his forehead. Sounds of footsteps approached him and the sweet voice of Shimura Tae bid him a farewell with the sounds of her cracking knuckles.

"You're right, we will stand no chance of being together, Hijikata-_san_. Not on earth and not in hell, either. Good night."

While the vice-captain applied ointment to his bruised jaw the next day, he made extra sure to avoid Snack Smile in his patrolling routes from then on. To hell with negotiations with anyone even associated to the 'Shimura' family, Kondo could send Sougo to deal with his insane love life for all he cared. He should've known better than to trust that they were going to be in some sort of cheesy drama.

Curse peonies. He'd be careful of any incoming smells of peonies on the streets, too. Peonies were dangerous as hell and not comforting at all. Hijikata knew he had always been right all along – you could never go wrong with mayonnaise.

* * *

AN: Hello, thank you for reading once again! Hope you liked it! The fic was a challenge for me but this time I had help from my new beta reader for this series, **kurasuchi**! Thank you once again, for your hard work you deserve an honorable mention here haha. Oh yes, Tae didn't actually cry there, it's one of her ultimate moves being a hostess.

Bwahaha, a move which Mayora fell for. But I leave it up to you whether you think Tae was actually affected by his words, did the strong Tae feel hurt? Let me know what you think! Anyway, keep a lookout for TamaZaki! It'll be on its way.


End file.
